Pickled Bitter

Looking back over the past year I realize that aside from the years spent living through my dying first marriage, 2008 was quite possibly the worst year of my life. The professional disappointment I experienced following my much heralded graduation from chiro school I can describe as nothing short of crushing. It's made an indelible scar on my soul. I don't know how else to say it than that--it's affected who I am and how I see the world. I'm smart enough to know that such bitterness doesn't stay neatly compartmentalized and seeps its insidious way into the entire person. I've seen it affect my marriage, my relationship with my children, my relationship with God...

I know all the conventional wisdom about how the true measure of a man is in how he deals with failure. That's a nice and tidy cliche on paper--and I can match that cliche in real life. The truth is that yes, I've dealt with it just fine, almost healthily. I get up in the mornings. I interact with people. I have hobbies, and interests, and distractions. I have hopes, and dreams, and aspirations. I haven't considered suicide in quite some time now. So on paper, I'm doing just fine. But how does that translate from firmware to wetware?

In real life I'm deeply, deeply wounded and betrayed. And the senselessness of it all is the worst part. The school's disregard for the fact that I have a family to provide for, that I have responsibilities as a man is abominable. The clever marketing and the outright lies spirited my money and my livelihood away. The fantasy fairy tales they passed off as truths stole my children's father from them. It repossessed 4 years of my time and my life. It strangled my marriage within an inch of its life. And the school doesn't care because they got paid. I wonder how these people sleep at night? Have they deluded themselves into believing the bullshit that spews from their mouths?

I don't think I'm ever going to be OK with this part of my life. 4 years! That's 1/8 of my entire LIFE. I'm wondering if it might be best to wall this off like some infectious tubercle and try and move on. To some extent that's what I've done. Nursing school is full of promise and hope. If I can't get a job after graduating nursing school, it really is me. I have a new child that I must teach how to be a man.

I guess its time I learned how to be one.

Bad Day, And It's Only 0940...

I thought I was doing ok this morning, and then I went to my dentist appointment.

I like our dentist ok, and the staff are always polite. They always take my blood pressure before they start, and this morning mine was 149/97. They repeated it 3 times, and they were all about the same. I guess this shouldn't come as a shock since a couple weeks ago when I gave blood they measured me at 160/90. I attributed that to the anatomy test I had literally just finished 5 minutes prior. But now, 2 independent readings are tough to ignore.

And that's how it started.

I told my wife by text, and got an immediate phone call--obviously she was concerned. So we tried to figure out how to fix this. I could exercise more, that's for sure, but on the other hand because of school I've been walking at least 30 minutes a day just getting from remote parking to class and back. So I'm actually in better shape now than when I was a few months ago. Can't really modify my diet much--I'm a vegetarian, although I've been slipping a little lately.

So that brings up stress. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. I've got $200,000.00 in student loan debt that I have no way of paying right now. The degree that money bought is worthless to me to earn even enough to make the payments for that loan. Even if I were to declare bankruptcy because I can't pay my bills and have no real prospects of paying my bills, those student loans would remain. How is it that people can run up $200,000 in credit card debt and then go debt free with a quick and easy bankruptcy, but those of us that have tried to better ourselves by going to school have no help when things don't work out as planned? No way out. It was then that I realized the only resource I have right now that has the potential to earn me enough money to pay back my student loan debt?

My life insurance policy.

It's a disheartening thing when you are worth more dead than alive. And that my friends is how a bad day starts.

A Day As a CRNA

Yesterday morning I met a classmate of mine at a surgery center where she works. She had graciously arranged for me to follow a CRNA around so I could get a feel for the position.

CRNA (Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist) is an advanced practice nursing position that functions essentially as an anesthesiologist administering drugs for surgical procedures--whether conscious or unconscious sedation.

The position is attractive to me because it is both well respected and well paid. If I were to secure a position as a CRNA it would allow my wife to severely cut her hours, if not quit altogether. I'd be able to work days as well, as the salary would be enough that I wouldn't need the night shift differential.

It's not an easy road though, 2 years of nursing school, then 2 years of work experience in a critical care setting. Then 2 years of CRNA school. I am fortunate as there are two CRNA programs here in the metroplex, Texas Wesleyan University and Texas Christian University both have programs. This is unusual as there are entire states without CRNA programs.

The CRNA I followed yesterday, Jessica, was wonderful and answered my many questions, as well as pointing me to good places to do my own research about the profession.

I left excited about the possibility of working in a position with high demand, good pay, and decent hours.

But then I felt a big let down because I was excited before I started chiropractic school also, having been told almost that exact formula as benefits of being a chiropractor--high demand--not, good pay--NOT, decent hours--NOT!! I mentioned this fear to my wife, and she said that this time we have plenty of time to make a good decision, unlike chiropractic school where I was admitted within 3 weeks of the first time of hearing of the program and was attending classes 45 days later.

If all goes smoothly I would be graduating from CRNA school in 6 years, a month before my 40th birthday. That's a very disheartening thought. If I hadn't messed around with thoughts of medical school and then going to chiropractic school and had instead immediately started nursing school after I graduated with my first bachelor's I would have graduated from CRNA school this past May...

Successful Failure

My time since graduating chiro school has been very confusing. I've seen desperately few patients. The patients I have seen however have had immediate and profound improvement of their issues.

For example, a woman pregnant with twins could barely walk because of pregnancy induced back pain. One adjustment and she experienced immediate relief. Her symptoms returned about 5 days later, but another adjustment has kept her pain free for several weeks now.

Her husband is training for a half marathon and started into his training regime a little to vigorously. He could not run without pain in his shin. One adjustment to balance his hips, and physical therapy modalities on his shin allowed him to run 7 pain free miles this morning.

Another woman hadn't slept more than a couple hours a night for more than two weeks because of pain in her upper back. One adjustment--immediate relief. Symptoms returned 3 days later, and another adjustment has her pain free for more than a month.

And that's just a few of my patient's stories. Yet people resist coming to see a chiropractor. I'm not sure what the fear is. Is it fear of the unknown? Do they really buy into the lies that chiropractic is dangerous and causes strokes? Are they that tied up in using their insurance that they will avoid getting better, just because they can't use their insurance?

So while I've been a miserable failure because I can't put patients on my table, at the same time I've offered a few people immediate relief, and without the dangers of putting a potential poison in their bodies, or an invasive procedure. It's very frustrating. What other healthcare provider has to beg people to come and be treated?

On a side note, my younger daughter's 2nd birthday party was this evening, and it was a good time.

Graduation

As exciting as that word sounds, full of possibility and potential, it makes me cringe. I fought through 3 long years of professional school to reach graduation. 3 trimesters a year, 9 total, carrying between 29 and 35 credit hours EACH trimester. A 4 year medical school education (almost to the T,) but squashed into 3 years. My whole family came from New Mexico to see me graduate. My wife's family drove in from out of town as well. It was a glorious ceremony, full of pomp and circumstance, and the keynote speaker was truly noteworthy. And now, you can call me doctor, an accomplishment anyone would be proud of.

Of course they waited until we had completed 6 trimesters to clue us in on the school's market research that shows 4 out of 5 graduates are no longer practicing at 5 years after graduation. Had I heard THAT little detail during recruitment weekend, you can bet I wouldn't have started. But at Tri 6, (and $120,000 in debt,) one doesn't quit. One finishes what they've started.

And had they mentioned the modest $60,000 per year starting salary for a new graduate DC was actually more like $30,000 per year (or less) for the DFW area, I might have questioned the student loan debt to potential income ratio. I'm no genius by any stretch, but a $225,000 degree to make $30,000 per year is NOT what you call a good return on your investment. The job I quit to come to school paid more than that, and only required a GED. For those of you keeping score at home, no, $30,000 a year is not enough money to make the monthly payment on $225,000 of student loans.

Why are things this way? A combination of factors would be my guess.

The low salary is a result of the proximity of the school. The market is flooded with desperate graduates who will do anything to say they have a job. Even take a salary they can not possibly live on.

The high failure rate probably is due to the residual of the AMA's directed, intentional, and systematic attempt to stamp chiropractic out. (Yes, it was documented, and chiropractic won a large lawsuit against the AMA because of it.) Yet the misinformation around chiropractic still exists today, perpetuated by those that haven't taken the time to look into chiropractic at all.

The fact is science supports chiropractic principles. Human physiology supports the benefits of the chiropractic adjustment. Meaning simply the mechanics of how our bodies work proves chiropractic true. The research shows that chiropractic works. Now that science is moving toward evidence based research, and letting go of the almighty double blind trial (which is nearly impossible to conform chiropractic to, how do you give a placebo adjustment??).

Regardless, there are still those uninformed who blindly trust what others have told them, and haven't checked things out. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear someone ignorantly trash on chiropractic, using the same tired arguments that have been refuted time and time again.

It's unfortunate.

And it's why I'm back in school to become an RN.