Looking back over the past year I realize that aside from the years spent living through my dying first marriage, 2008 was quite possibly the worst year of my life. The professional disappointment I experienced following my much heralded graduation from chiro school I can describe as nothing short of crushing. It's made an indelible scar on my soul. I don't know how else to say it than that--it's affected who I am and how I see the world. I'm smart enough to know that such bitterness doesn't stay neatly compartmentalized and seeps its insidious way into the entire person. I've seen it affect my marriage, my relationship with my children, my relationship with God...
I know all the conventional wisdom about how the true measure of a man is in how he deals with failure. That's a nice and tidy cliche on paper--and I can match that cliche in real life. The truth is that yes, I've dealt with it just fine, almost healthily. I get up in the mornings. I interact with people. I have hobbies, and interests, and distractions. I have hopes, and dreams, and aspirations. I haven't considered suicide in quite some time now. So on paper, I'm doing just fine. But how does that translate from firmware to wetware?
In real life I'm deeply, deeply wounded and betrayed. And the senselessness of it all is the worst part. The school's disregard for the fact that I have a family to provide for, that I have responsibilities as a man is abominable. The clever marketing and the outright lies spirited my money and my livelihood away. The fantasy fairy tales they passed off as truths stole my children's father from them. It repossessed 4 years of my time and my life. It strangled my marriage within an inch of its life. And the school doesn't care because they got paid. I wonder how these people sleep at night? Have they deluded themselves into believing the bullshit that spews from their mouths?
I don't think I'm ever going to be OK with this part of my life. 4 years! That's 1/8 of my entire LIFE. I'm wondering if it might be best to wall this off like some infectious tubercle and try and move on. To some extent that's what I've done. Nursing school is full of promise and hope. If I can't get a job after graduating nursing school, it really is me. I have a new child that I must teach how to be a man.
I guess its time I learned how to be one.
2 months ago