Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Eve Reflection

I'm a wonderfully blessed man, of this I am aware.

I continually thank God for all he has entrusted me with. I have a wife that has stood by my side during tough times. I have 3 beautiful children. We live in a comfortable home, and we don't worry about our safety or where the next meal might come from. This year we were blessed enough to give a small but significant amount of money to another family less fortunate to make their holidays a little easier.

I sit here thinking of all the plans we have laid. My mother is here, my father flies in this afternoon--it's the first Christmas we've spent with them in probably 5years. Probably this evening we'll attend a Christmas Eve service at our church which will no doubt be a spectacle of celebration. My wife's family will join us tomorrow morning for presents and a home cooked dinner. We'll have 17 people this year--not a full house, but a strong showing. These are good plans. Full of life, and love and happiness.

So why is there this feeling of melancholy, coursing just below the surface, subtle but definitely present?

It seems like the story of my life. Feeling what I shouldn't when I shouldn't. Fighting so hard for the things I indubitably want or need, and then when they are's not what I thought, or I was led on, or the battle damaged me so much I can't accept the prize.

Sometimes we're awarded a flash of what could be, a glimpse of how happy we might be. A distant time and place that beckons with exhilaration and enchantment. Who knows if these small looking glass windows are authentic, or would the scene be simply another make believe stage with puppets and string and cardboard when clutched closely to my chest?

The cost to get here has been enormous, and the debt is just the beginning. How many lives have I affected with my wallowing about in uncertainty? What pain have I caused? What discord have I generated? What relationships suffer because of me? I don't know the answer to all those questions, but knowing for certain wouldn't bring absolution.

They make little pills for this. Glorious orbs of even keel. Of moderated pain, dampened urges, and dazzling shades of beige and gray. Of heavenly rest and muffled cries. Maybe its time, I'm so very tired.

But for now, instead, I'll paint up the clown, and go find my stage.

Balloon animal anyone?


  1. I'd say that you are being asked to put your money where your mouth is.

    Your previous post tells everyone about all you have to be thankful for and then you get slammed by the overwhelming weight of everything that worries you.

    It is my experience in my Christian life that I dare to open my mouth to teach someone or, as you did, proclaim to the world that I'm grateful, a test quickly follows that asks me to prove it.

    Let's take running as an example. Let's say that you study and learn everything you can about marathons. Then you formulate an innovative training program and pitch it to the local running store and they hire you as a trainer. A few days later they tell you the good news, they paid your entry fee for the marathon on Saturday and are looking forward to seeing the results of your theories.

    This is where some Christians (especially those thrust quickly into leadership) crash and burn.

    Not that your blog post is anywhere near that scale, but when you recognize it as just a little enemy counter-attack, it usually passes quickly.

    By the way, since I am typing this to you, I am expecting a counter-attack myself.

    I'm sure you can look back and wish you made different decisions. Wouldn't it have been nice to get a job that would support your family nicely after only four years of college like computer programming or accounting?

    However, your life takes these turns for a reason. I am confident that there is some reason that this nursing school needs you at this moment in time. When you graduate you will end up at a different hospital than if you had decided to go to nursing school way back when.

    Actually, this applies to all sorts of things. Last year in my Bible study one of the ladies told me that since she was a new Christian she didn't feel like she had much to contribute to the discussion. I told her that I operate under the assumption that I need to be at Bible study because any woman there who even cracked open her Bible had learned something and therefore had something to teach me.

    Your family needs the person that you are to be all there. They don't need the person you would be if you hadn't have had to go through all these difficulties.

    I'll try to wrap up these rambling thoughts. Your previous posts reminds me of Edith Schaeffer telling her children that we never know what will happen tomorrow. She told them that babies grow up fast, neighbors move away, seasons change. Cherish the day and realize that your two-year old will figure out how to hide before you know it and you will miss that little quirk. There will no other time in your life when you will have an infant, a two year old and a 9(?) year old here at Christmas.

    Have you read the book, _The Screwtape Letters_ by C.S. Lewis?

    I hope you have a merry Christmas!

  2. Curdie:

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment. There is much truth in what you say. Although I would say that this isn't a new feeling, it's pretty much always there.

    I've not read The Screwtape Letters. I am a big fan of CS Lewis--when I'm well rested and not easily lulled, LOL! I'll definitely check it out though.

  3. I think many of us who are constantly challenging ourselves, running, running will on occasion get side-swiped with depression. We go go go, we have new goals, we love the challenge...and then we see the blessings around us, and God be. know that I am your God. I love you. I have been where you are, and often jump back and forth there. I take effexor. It doesn't make all of it go away, but it makes it manageable so I can function. Ease up on yourself sir. Don't put on the clown. Rest in Him.

  4. Very thought provoking as always. Let me encourage you in this moment to assure you that He is always by your side. He knows your struggles and feels your pain along with you. I know it's easy for the brain to logically understand that, but it's another matter for the heart to absorb it. You are not alone. And Jeremiah 29:11 states He knows the plans for you......and they are good ones! Rest in His arms, Drofen. Besides, that's what this season is all about. Have a Merry Christmas my blogger friend.

  5. I understand what you mean..
    The "Glorious orbs of even keel" are my friends...
    Happy Holiday!!

  6. I want to thank everyone for the encouraging words. I appreciate the support. :)